Over the last year or so I have been on a path of self enlightenment. I have learned so much about myself and not all of it was good. In the book "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay I read that if you look at the people around you that really irritate you, you should take a look within to see how those traits are manifesting within your own life. You are probably portraying those same irritations onto someone else. That was a hard pill to swallow for me because some people around me really drive me crazy and I find myself not wanting to be around them at all. WHOA! Like Oprah would say, that was my A-HA moment! I was in a relationship that I had no business being in and I let it tear me down to shreds. The relationship ended almost three years ago but I still find myself replaying all of the hurts in my mind so I haven't fully moved on. I said that to say I would constantly ask him all of these questions wondering why he didn't want me, if we would get back together, etc. And it was crazy because he had no respect for me at all. I accepted so much bullcrap. I get angry when I think about it. But the blessing in it all is I'm becoming strong and I'm learning what I will and will not accept.
I really haven't dated since and have been lonely at times but I feel like I need to take this time to continue to get to know myself. After every break up in my life, I used another man to get over the previous one and I had no time to heal and dump the baggage. (So you could just imagine the size of the suitcases I'd been lugging around for years!) Most of my baggage I believed manifested in the form of excess weight. I have been an emotional eater and would eat so much all I could do was lay down because I felt sick. Which in turn would compound the severe depression that I have suffered from because I hated how I looked. That's no way to live. In fact, it's not living. It's just existing.
I am in my thirties and it makes me sad to say that I still don't know my purpose. I am praying, meditating and researching to figure out my path. I feel like people look to me when they are having problems. They say I am a great motivator and encourager. I could see myself parlaying those gifts into a career but right now I just don't know where to start. It will come to me sooner than later because I am actively seeking it now. I will be updating this blog at least every couple of days because it will be my therapy and I need to work on my writing skills. I'm not real big on talking to people when I have stuff going on because I don't want to come across as complaining. When I was going through the breakup I was an emotional mess and cried on everybody's shoulder who would listen. I'm not in a place where I can open up right now. *sighs* Don't judge me. I am definitely a work in progress.........
